Freak Out

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown / almost panic attack.  The nurse told me yesterday that the Ganirelix (my new, third injection each day) is really painful and, like I said before, I am not comfortable with needles.  This one also goes in the abdomen, and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing I had more fat on my tummy because there just isn't a lot to pinch (the injections go into the fat).  Micah was planning on coming home, eating dinner with me, doing my injections and then going to the climbing gym, but when it came to the new shot I totally freaked out.  I was afraid of the pain, I was tired of being poked, and I didn't know if I could do it.  I did calm down enough to get the injection, but then the waterworks turned on and needless to say Micah did not make it to the climbing gym and he went on a nice, long, much needed walk with me instead.

Unfortunately, our clinic is not very good at communicating information.  Although they gave us a ton of material to read and consents to sign, there aren't clear steps outlined anywhere.  This might be because everyone uses different medications and everyone responds to the meds differently, but I like to have a step-by-step process laid out so I know what to expect.  I was thinking that 1) since I am "young" and "healthy" I would have my retrieval early next week so I wouldn't have to endure these injections as long, 2) I would probably only have to go to the hospital every other day for an ultrasound, 3) I would only have to have my blood drawn a few times (if at all) leading up to the retrieval, and 4) once I started Ganirelix I would not being doing the other injections.  Sadly, these were all incorrect assumptions so I think last night I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed about having to get up every morning to go to the doctor (my appointments have been at 8:15 and it's a 20 minute drive...so much for sleeping in), having three injections a day and the daily blood draw.  Also, although I do have family and friends calling me for updates and to ask how I'm doing, this is such a LONELY process.  I am talking about it and talking about how I'm feeling, but I think it is lonely no matter what kind of support system you have.  Micah is saving his time off for my retrieval and transfer so he hasn't been able to go to the daily appointments with me, and it's just not fun. 

When I write this out it sounds kind of ridiculous, but the only thing I can think of that would make the process less lonely were if I had a friend going through this all with me at the exact same time.  We could give each other our shots, compare symptoms, go on walks together since we can't run during IVF, and just do other fun things to keep our minds off the process as much as possible.  I guess I'm thinking of it kind of like marathon training.  I've trained for marathons with friends and I've trained alone, and it is so much easier to go through the pain of a long run when you have someone going through it with you who can help take your mind off the hours of running ahead through great conversation.  If this cycle doesn't work and I have to do it again does anyone want to join me :)?

San Francisco Marathon with Joy, July 2006

Phoenix Rock n Roll Marathon with Katie, January 2010

Anyway, it's FRIDAY which means two things.  First, Micah will be going to my appointments with me on Saturday and Sunday and it will be nice to have the company.  And second, the retrieval should be next Friday at the latest which means at most I only have 5.5 days of these injections (then we get to start Progesterone which I'm told is awful, but at least it's only once a day).