Time to Regain Focus

Many days when I sit at home alone I start to feel sorry for myself.  Although I want to feel happy all of the time since I am FINALLY pregnant, I feel somewhat cheated that I'm not having a "normal" pregnancy and therefore I am so restricted in my activities.  March went by pretty fast for me, partly because I spent a lot of time preparing for the babies and my mom, Micah's parents, and Katie all came to visit.  I bought clothes, sorted through clothes and other stuff that were given to us, got the cribs, got the car seats, bought and painted the dresser, etc.  But now it feels like all of the fun stuff is behind me and all I can do now is WAIT.  Of course, I did all of those preparations last month as I knew there was a chance I could be on bed rest right now, and I'm not, which is great!  But now I'm feeling like there isn't anything fun to do or anything to look forward to between now and when the babies arrive, and at times I get a little down.

But today it struck me how much I have to be thankful for in the last year.  I'm still in shock that Micah agreed to me quitting my job at UNM so I could travel for a month to South Africa and Europe. I'm not sure we would have made that decision if we had known that we would get pregnant with triplets and I wouldn't go back to work as money suddenly feels much tighter, but when I'm feeling down I think I should remember that although I might be bored now with no travel plans to look forward to or weekend climbing trips, I DID have an awesome vacation not too long ago, and most people never get to do anything like that.

Some days I feel like the fact that my activities are restricted are being rubbed in my face as Micah is still able to climb, workout, and go on trips during the weekend. But I think I should always remember that he was at home (working) when I went to Europe and I had two whole months of "normal" life without working between when I got home from my trip and we started IVF.  I'm definitely not saying that he "deserves" to go away and have fun without me since I had my months of fun last summer / fall, but I often focus on the unfairness of this pregnancy (comparing my pregnancy to those around me and feeling jealous that Micah is living a fairly normal life while I sit around, grow babies, and gain weight) and I think I need to start focusing on all of the good things in my life instead.

One thing I really tried to focus on during my month-long trip was being in the moment.  I believe it is human nature to always look towards the next thing, and sometimes the anticipation of an event is more exciting than the actual event. I can definitely see that I'm doing that with this pregnancy.  I thought about being pregnant and how wonderful it would be for years.  I was always slightly jealous of pregnant women, and I never thought about the negative effects of being pregnant.  And now that it's me I've been obsessed about my weight gain (although I am on pace according to the doctor, it's not fun to see the number on the scale), the fact that my belly is growing so fast, the fact that I can't run or climb, how hard it has gotten to tie my shoes and do other normal tasks, and other things I can't do anymore.  I'm overwhelmed by the fact that the babies won't be here for another 14 weeks (God willing) and I don't know what I'll do to stay positive between now and then.

So, it's time to regain my focus.  First of all, there are some things that need to be done before the babies arrive, such as find a pediatrician and some other random stuff.  I also have the contract work for CCH, which is actually going quite well all of a sudden and will take quite a bit of time.  I have various things going on most days, like meeting up with friends, doctor appointments, and Bible study.  These activities may not seem fun or exciting compared to international travel or getting stronger in climbing, but I definitely should not take any of this for granted as it will all be very difficult to do for awhile once the triplets are here.  I also need to stop thinking about the big picture and how far away July seems to me right now.  In reality, the first 14 weeks of 2013 have flown by and there are only a little less than 14 weeks to go before the babies arrive if they hold out until 36 weeks!  I believe the answer is to take one day at a time and to focus on the good.  By nature I am impatient, so I'm not saying this will be easy, but I believe it will help.

So to those of you that I have complained to about my weight, my boredom, and how this isn't the pregnancy I've always dreamed of, I am sorry.  I know that I've become slightly completely obsessive about it all.  I do appreciate everyone's willingness to listen, but please help me to remember to take it one day at a time and to enjoy this stage of my life as I've never experienced anything like this and life will never be the same again (in a good way!).